Someone new to worship!

Okay, we owe everything to A.O. Scott, Lord of Movie Reviews, and we love him with 99.9999% of our heart. This blog is basically just an extension of that love, a way to become more like him. Even though we feel like the Manohla sometimes, who we really want to be is A.O.! Oh, A.O.!

And we've always been totally NOT into the Guardian's Peter Bradshaw, what with his snarky snobbishness (and we disagreed with him on something, we just can't remember what anymore) and such. But who knew that the Guardian was hiding the hilarious and wonderful observations of a Mr. Joe Queenan within its thicket of Qur'an blogging and really interesting relationship advice. Mr. Queenan, where have you been all our life?!

First of all, he shares our belief that The Damned United was the best film of 2009 (THE BEST! BEST!) and that Michael Sheen is truly a major god in the pantheon of awesomeness.


Michael Sheen in full gloriousness in The Damned United, the best movie of 2009.


That's The Damned United. Best Film.


Of 2009. The Damned United


Do you people even listen to us?! The Damned United. THE BEST.

But Mr. Queenan also writes delightful commentaries, such as this one about men in skirts and men in Viking helmets:

There is one other major difference between the genres. Toward the end of Alexander, Anthony Hopkins, a gabby Macedonian general rapidly approaching death, apprises his listeners: "Alexander once said to me, 'We are most alone when we are with the myths.'" No one within earshot has any idea what this means. Earlier in the film, Val Kilmer, playing the one-eyed Philip of Macedon, tells the surprisingly peppy Colin Farrell (Alexander the Great), "A king must know how to hurt those he loves." Farrell merely looks confused.

But lack of clarity is not the point here. The point is that no one ever says stuff like this in Viking movies. No one ever says: "Women are far more dangerous than men." No one ever says: "Conquer your fear and I promise you will conquer death." No one ever says: "Men hate the gods. The only reason we worship any of them is because we fear worse." It's all too cerebral, too introspective, too preeningly sagacious, too wise. Far more typical dialogue in your basic Viking movie is a snippy remark like: "Troll, leave here, or stay and meet your doom."

We think we're in love.

And now, some gratuitous pictures:

We've already sung the delights of Sean Bean as Odysseus. And OMG Joe Queenan loves Troy too! We're not the only ones, after all!


Gerald Butler and Stellan Skarsgård, as Beowulf and (despite appearances) not-Grendel, in Beowulf & Grendel.

PPCC + Twitter = ?

Well, it's PPCC 2.0 time here at the PPCC. Yes, our crush on the internet has suddenly become a relationship, and we've joined the legions of small bird icons tweeting on Twitter. You can follow us:

here, right here

At the mo, we're just using it to:

• Update about new PPCC reviews.
  
• Play DJ via Blip.fm.
  
• Create a false sense of intimacy with celebs we like, such as Nathan Fillion, Simon Pegg and Michio Kaku (hey, we're friends on Facebook too!).
  
• Navel gaze.

In sum, you won't be missing much. But, for the tweeting completist types, we're there. And now! Back to what you're here for anyway: reviews!

The thinking couch: Sweeping generalizations time!

Cinema is a language.

We always say that. Even with subtitles, you won't fully understand or accept a non-Hollywood film if you've only been brought up on a steady diet of Hollywood. The different methods of storytelling, references to a different cinematic tradition, and different cultural context all inform and influence the way a film looks and sounds. And it takes a while getting used to it. Different directors have different dialects, too.

Then there's the whole high/low art dilemma - the popular but silly notion that intellectual cinema is somehow "better" or "smarter" or "of higher quality" than popular cinema. (Completely untrue: hello, Nayak is genius!) Often "intellectual" films from different countries resemble each other more than an "intellectual" and popular film from the same country. A good example: Satyajit Ray's Pather Panchali, which looks and feels more like Akira Kurosawa or Vittorio de Sica than other popular Bengali or Indian films.

We at the PPCC like everything. We try not to limit ourselves to any one cinematic tradition or style. There's just too much out there - it's all too interesting! At the moment, we're really excited about French New Wave films and telenovelas - two genres we know little/nothing about.


Japanese cinema: Toshiro Mifune kicking samurai butt.


Italian cinema: Stefania Sandrelli as the doomed, vapid bimbo.

Anyway, that was all intro. Recently we've been watching some nice Italian films, and, funnily enough, we've been suffering a bit from reverse culture shock. After two years of intense Hindi cinema-watching, coming back to a specific Western tradition is surprising and challenging. The mood, the aesthetic - it's all so different! So here are some things we like and dislike, so far. (Inspired by BollyWHAT??'s hilarious Hollywood FAQs.)

A list of stuff about movies from everywhere

1. Why so short? No, seriously. Ninety minutes is not very long. Sometimes the movie's over before our tea is.

2. Why so fussy? Luigi Lo Cascio, you are a very slow walker and talker. The man takes his time. We keep noticing those precious ninety minutes being used up to show us a sluggish panorama of... a kitchen. A close-up of the corner of the counter top. Sometimes, this is good. As Manohla Dargis said in her review of The Dark Knight, a film which takes the time to show us the Joker hanging his head outside the police car window is a good and lovable film. But sometimes, this all just seems fussy. Hindi films might be long, but they are packed to the brim with content! No time for contemplative ennui - NO TIME! - too much to do!

Too much life to live! No time for kitchen counter-tops!

3. Sentimentality is not a crime. Nor is it stupid, nor childish. Crying is okay, people! Come on! Especially Hollywood and British films - enough with the emotional inhibitions. Express, EXPRESS! We like it.

4. Nudity and kissing are also not crimes. Ah, we missed this. After so many Hindi films, we found it quaint that even a mere on-screen peck could provoke gasps of shock from us. But now, well, we say it's better to show than not to show. Boo to Puritanism in film. Boo to prudish embarrassment about nakedness or kissing. The human body is beautiful - it should be celebrated! Love (and lovemaking) are some of the happiest human experiences - they should also be celebrated! Sexuality and sex are not crimes, nor should they be treated as "dirty" things (especially in films which purport to be romances!).

Sex is okay, people!

5. Violence, however, is a crime. Sometimes violence can be necessary to the plot or the theme. In Watchmen, we thought some of the violent scenes were an interesting comment on American imperialism. But we thought most of the violence was also unnecessary. This is something Hollywood films are particularly guilty of - prudishness towards sex, but no inhibitions with violence. How is sex bad but violence good? Baffling.

6. Existential ennui? Handle with care. "The problems of people with no problems." We are very dismissive about these types of films, perhaps unfairly. We had an interesting discussion recently with a friend: rich, empowered people can be sad too. And they should be allowed to be sad! So she said. Okay: we'll buy that for a dollar. But we still have a prejudice against these types of films - American Beauty, ughh - though, if the subject is treated well, it can be great - Revolutionary Road, anyone? We see more existential ennui in the films of the West, which inevitably gets us thinking about relative poverty rates, relative comfort and levels of power.

7. And finally, to films from all over the world, no more meta-films! Do we attract them or something? They've all been excellent, but we just long for a grapefruit, as Eddie Izzard would say. Om Shanti Om, Luck by Chance, Mithya, La dolce vita, C'eravamo tanto amati, Io la conoscevo bene, La vita che vorrei... enough! All of you! Tell us a story about people who don't work in films!

PPCC on hold!

Alas, sad news, folks: the PPCC will be on hold for the next one or two weeks! We've been called to do some fieldwork, and it looks unlikely that Remote Village will have any internet.

We're sorry. We can just imagine your expression.







But before you resort to this...



...or this...



...we'd like to assure our loyal PPCC reader log that we will be back soon, barring any unforeseen natural disasters.

So what can you do in the meantime?! You can do anything at Zombo.com!

Reality implosion #4: Aneel Kaporre's continued adventures in Amreeka!

Oh, "Aneel". Bless. The surreal adventures continue.



"Whoops! 'Slumdog Millionaire' baddie Anil Kapoor gets in the wrong car in New York!

This video makes the PPCC happy it's not Aneel, though, here accosted by a warbling flock of autograph-seekers and smartasses ("What can I do to be a good Bollywood actor?" "Come on, bust a move for him, Anil!").



This is like that freaky video of Shah Rukh Khan drowning in a sea of crazy people and having his hat ripped off his very head!

Thank God we're not famous, especially in the Web 2.0 age.

Reality implosion #3: Aneel Kaporre takes on Amreeka!

The contents of our "anil kapoor" Google alert are getting more and more surreal with each passing day.

What? Don't judge us if we have a Google alert on Mr. India. We were serious when we said we're joining his fanclub. It came with the membership.

Anyway: "A-neel Kapore" is living it up big time in Hollywood, conspicuously consuming and pimping his fly wheels, getting a full bio on CNN, dancing with that lady on the Today Show, bear-hugging Regis, having his facial hair scrutinized and his stache declared a "Yes!" from Esquire Magazine, being called the "bees knees" by New York Magazine, and achieving a weird sort of "the alt.hipsters love you in a cultish ironic way!" status on TMZ.

This is all very strange.

Let's hope Misterrr Aneel "Millin-aaaiihhrrr" Kapore can keep surfin' these waters even after the tidal wave of Slumdog settles. We don't want this to be a Benigni repeat, where Hollywood gets briefly enamored of a quirky, delightful "foreigner" and then everything fizzles out into nothing.

In the meantime: a photo!


You all know what we think of His Stacheliness.

Reality implosion #2

We live in a world where Anil Kapoor gets billed over Steve Martin, who is referred to as an afterthought.

From the Orlando Sentinel blog:

Tuesday morning: "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" host meets "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" host.

Regis Philbin, who helped make "Millionaire" a sensation in the United States, talks to Anil Kapoor, who plays the host of the Indian version of the game show in "Slumdog Millionaire." You can see the interview at 9 a.m. on "Live With Regis and Kelly" on WESH-Channel 2.

Kapoor has been called the "Indian Regis Philbin." I wonder what Philbin thinks of that designation if he's seen the movie, which is the front-runner for the Academy Awards' best picture.

Steve Martin will be another guest Tuesday.

"Oh yeah... and Steve Martin" is the name of our new band.

Gentle PPCC readers in America: please watch and report back!

Power's out!

PPCC hero and angst king Dilip Kumar: "NAHIIIN! BIJLI KAHAN HAI?!" Pic courtesy of Antarra's Ramblings.

The games have begun.

Cyclone season.

No more power (for watching movies!). No more water (for brushing our teeth!).

Which means: The PPCC is temporarily and indefinitely on hold.

Who better than to express our frustration, angst and emotional pain than the King of Tragedy himself, Dilip?


Motilal and Dilip Kumar bumping into each other at the power-less PPCC headquarters.

"How long will the PPCC be bijli-less?" the loyal reader cries.

We don't know. However, the current evidence is:

• Last time a cyclone hit, PPCC HQ was without power and water for five smelly, dark days. :(
  
• There are reports that power has already resumed in some neighborhoods. Hope! :)

In the meantime, why not do what the PPCC will do? Read a good book about the Muslim punk movement and listen to the The Kominas, a "Punkistani" Punjabi band that is smart, angry and fun. YESSSSSS.

The PPCC's sense of reality just imploded

AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES! LIKE TWO HOURS AGO!

The PPCC's foundations are getting a bit shaky - realities colliding, BRAIN. CANNOT. PROCESS.

And the best thing: A.R. RAHMAN WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edit: Oh yeah, forgot to credit my photo source: High Heel Confidential, bless you!

Edited, like 10 min later: Via Sepia Mutiny, BEST SCREENPLAY!!!!! BEST DIRECTOR!!!!! ANIL HAD A ROBERTO BENIGNI-STYLE FLIP OUT!!!!! SRK (WHO WAS PRESENTING BTW WTF) WORE A SEQUINED TIE UNDER HIS SHIRT?!!!

ARRGHHHH THIS OCEAN THAT DIVIDES US FROM AN AMERICAN TELEVISION SET! For the love of God, someone TiVo this or something and SEND IT TO US ASAP!!

Edited, like 15 min after that: Via Ultrabrown,
best picture.

Aaaaand that's how it goes, folks.

*Oh very happy in my heart, dil dance maare...*

Year in review: 2008

So long, 2008, it's been a great banner year here at the PPCC! Time for one of those arbitrary End of Year Round-ups!

Biggest disappointment of the year: Rab Ne Bana Di Bodi. We still feel pangs of pain when we hear a bar from Haule Haule or see SRK's face on our Om Shanti Om poster (what? you don't have one?).

Biggest surprise insta-love: Yuvvraaj. The PPCC's newest shamewatch of intense shame-laden devotion, and the movie that made us love Anil Kapoor BIG-TIME (which we are less ashamed about). Manmohini Morey was transcendental.

Emperor of the year: Shashi reigned for longest and hardest in 2008 - thanks to that particularly attractive way he wobbles his head and lazily drawls, "Arreeeeeee..." Siiiigh. Makes our dil go dhadak-dhadak.

Most underappreciated PPCC review of the year: Okay, okay, I know most of you come here for the Hindi reviews, but the Korean film The Host, which we saw back in March, was really a hoot and a hog - highly recommended! Also, we would be remiss not to mention some of the Italian classics we've reviewed this year, especially The Son's Room and Mi Manda Picone.

Boringest month of the year: October, for the PPCC, as we wrote like... no reviews that month.

Intensest month of the year: the post-Yuvvraaj boom, where we've almost managed to throw up a review a day, most of them Anil-centric.

Most underwhelming but still objectively good film of the year: Slumdog Millionaire... honestly, the idea of this film - what it MEANS, man - moves us more than its flashy, Danny Boyle-fied theatrics. Or maybe we just read waaay too many reviews of this before seeing it.

Best thing of the year: the PPCC becoming a little famous!

What next PPCC?

Our 2009 resolutions are:
1. Finish the screenplays. Yes, PPCC reader log, we are writing not one, but TWO scripts aimed for the Bollywood market. It is a hoot, and we promise ourselves to finish them sometime in the next month or so.
2. 2009 is shaking up to be a great year for films. Our resolution is to SEE IT ALL, MAN! Billu Barber, New York, The President Is Coming, Dev.D, and Anil Kapoor walking the Hollywood red carpets!
3. Watch Shashi Kapoor's entire filmography and enter the Guinness Book of World Records for that.
4. Similarly keep riding the Anil Kapoor train.
5. Watch more African cinema.
6. Watch more Latin American cinema.
7. Defeat the morning tea-produced muffin top... ONCE. AND FOR ALL.

And, of course, to keep pumping out reviews of your favorite and least-favorite and undiscovered favorite films!

Happy Christmakwanzukkah!

Beloved PPCC readers and homies, it's that time of year again - the time when everyone goes a bit mushy in the heart and a bit consumerist in the wallet. The PPCC just wants to give a big ol' thank you for your thoughtful readership, commenting and friendship. We've learned, we've laughed, you've made the PPCC heart go dhadak-dhadak.

This year, we're gonna round up a

Holiday Soundtrack o' Good Cheer

1. Manmohini Morey, A.R. Rahman, Yuvvraaj. God of Songs and Lord of 2008
2. Manmohini Morey, the version the PPCC uploaded
3. Manmohini Morey, the cover
4. Jisas Yu Holem Hand Blong Mi, The Choir of All Saints (Solomon Islands), The Thin Red Line. Pacific transcendetalism represent!
5. Mundeke, Afrigo Band, Mississippi Masala. Lord of Ugandan pop
6. Pass That Dutch, Missy Elliott, the movie the PPCC writes when we win the lottery. Man, someone needs to tell Missy Elliott and Anil Kapoor that they need to collaborate, as they're clearly the same person (argument soon to come in a PPCC essay near you)
7. the PPCC "unofficial trailer..." series
8. Jaane Jaan Dhoondta Phir Raha, R.D. Burman, Jawani Diwani. Lord of glorious 1970s funk
9. Ek Do Teen (MADHURI!), Laxmikant-Pyarelal, Tezaab is Acid. Lord of Getting Stuck in the PPCC's Head at 3am
10. Ek Do Teen (ANIL!). Ek do TEEEEEEN... ring rang ring rang a rangaarrgghhhhh...

The PPCC's famous!

Howdy doody, kids! What time is it? Well, we're currently on the cusp of a dawn, but it's also... FAMOUS TIME!

"Bollywood blogbuster", Indian Express, 21 December 2008.

"The Bridge of Indotalian", Tehelka, 18 December 2008.

"Movie-love in cyberspace", Business Standard, 28 June 2008.

GenNext: The Post-Punk Cinema Club, Filmfare, 15 April 2009.

Manmohan Desai & the Women, Masala Zindabad, 29 July 2011.

Check back for updates, insha'Allah!

Shabash, masala bloggers, shabaaaash!

A meme is going around where we of the blogging worlds pat each other's backs and say, "SHABASH, BETA, SHA-BAAAASH!" in a Shashi-like tone of parental pride. We at the PPCC have instead a Pran-like nonconformist streak of refusing to participate in memes just because they're memes, but then we realized we were being like Scrooge to Christmas. And we don't want all of you fellow bloggers to think we don't love you all as much as we secretly love tinsel, presents and vegetating on the couch with some boozy egg nog. Let the pyaar flow! So we've achieved a compromise - rather than using the current standard, we'll take this opportunity to cast the Mega Masala Extravaganza Blogger Movie from our head. That way we can do the meme... without actually doing the meme. Yes, yes, pity us, we know.

First off, the two bloggers that reached out and touched us. Long ago (like, early 2007), we lived in a dark cave of ignorance, where we put up our little Bollywood reviews on our little website and never suspected that (1) anyone (apart from maybe Mom) was reading them, or (2) there were... Others. But then - on the Kaala Patthar review - we received, lo!, our first two comments. From people who actually blogged about movies we liked! These two sparks were our first tentative steps out of the cave and into the light of the Bollywood blogging community (and mixing metaphors, unfortunately). So, to begin with:

Beth Loves Bollywood, as Shashi Kapoor. We pick Shashi because of several reasons: Beth loves Shashi. Big time. So do we, but sometimes we think Beth might love him more (the horror!). Then we get conflicted - no one can love Shashi more than we do! No one must be allowed to love him more than we do! And so to assuage our guilty feelings and assure ourselves that we really do love him more than anyone else does, and especially more than Beth does, we sometimes challenge Beth to fights (all of which she has won, incidentally, because of her training in kung fu and knowledge of dishoom). But apart from liking Shashi, Beth also IS the Shashi of the blogging world - she is an affable, ubiquitous presence, easily switching from the intellectual to the pop, with a hypnotic (writerly) voice, and she's a star!

Filmi Geek, AKA Carla, as Shabana Azmi. Again, Carla runs the global Shabana Azmi shrine, but she also resembles Shabana in that she's an intelligent, aware blogger who can give even the zaniest pop a clever analysis. Like Shabana, she lifts whatever she touches - whether it's Parallel or mainstream - into the realm of thoughtfulness and intelligence. Yay!

Filmi Girl, Bol! as Helen. Consistently fun and increasingly occupying a cool niche of resident podcaster and gossip reporter (just like Helen occupied the niche of fab item numbers), Filmi Girl's got that fresh, independent, go-girl, Heleny spirit. Like Helen, we discovered FG relatively late in our game. Like Helen, we always want to see more of FG and keep hitting refresh on our reader in the hopes that FG will update again today!

The PPCC as Pran. I mean, come on. Duh.

Die, Danger, Die, Die, Kill! as Prem Chopra. Smart takes on loony films that we often don't understand (like Prem Chopra), a great sense of humor (like Prem Chopra), kind of scares us (like Prem Chopra) but we're always, always happy to read, and we're secretly big fans of (like Prem Chopra)!

Bollyviewer's Old is Gold as Ashok Kumar. An old school lover of old school films - we imagine BV lounging in her pad with Ashok Kumar-style superfly glasses, offering sage advice on what is vintage and what is best forgotten, and smiling with knowing patience when we bring her our latest Shashi Kapoor trinket. "I've already seen that one," BV doesn't say but no doubt thinks when we tirelessly encourage her to watch Baseraa or Naina some other movie she's actually already seen (possibly several times). Like everyone listened to Ashok, we're always heeding BV's advice, since she knows what's up - especially with respect to our beloved Shashi. We're also waiting for the day that BV will give us the invisibility bracelet.

MemsaabStory as Amitabh Bachchan, because just as Amitabh owns Bollywood, Memsaab owns Bollywood viewership. Who knows more than Memsaab? NO ONE. Who's watched more than Memsaab? NO ONE. She is like the guiding beacon of knowledge and filmi fun, and, if anyone can save us, our hero, Memsaab, can.

Shweta's Apni East India Company as Shammi Kapoor: jolly and good-humored and occasionally very excitable. We love reading Shweta's reviews because she always includes a convenient list of pros (like Shammi's shiny dinner jacket) and cons (like Shammi's black trousers). Like Shammi, Shweta can sometimes make us laugh and laugh with her comments!

We were going to make Roti Kapada Aur Rum play Shah Rukh Khan, because they're both so bouncy and lovable and young (OK, the masala blog movie was made in 1995), but then Rum's never let us down the way SRK has - nor could she! So instead Rum will be playing not a character, but an AURA. Yes! The aura of absolute over-the-top wackiness found especially in Namak Halaal. Think glitter and lots of mirrors and smoke machines and a hallucinogenic feel. The youngest of our group, Rum's writing is jam-packed with perfect, hilarious phrases - the "barsaat cry"! the "blobby"! - that we consistently find ourselves stealing. Her writing is electric pink (literally) and disorientingly frantic. We love it! Also, Rum picked us up on the good ship Pyaar 4 Anil Kapoor, and we'll forever be grateful for that.

Ajnabi's Paisa Vasool -- Or Not as Preity Zinta. Not only a pretty face, Ajnabi's got a fresh, new take on Bollywood. Reliably fun reviews as well as the occasional meta-post on filmi lingo or... just prettiness! Another blog we want to see more of!

Doc Bollywood as Manmohan Desai. Yes! Even though Doc's blog crashes our computer with the sheer weight of that radio widget (which is our fault... or rather, our computer's) - much in the same way Manmohan Desai's filmmaking crashes our sense of reality with the sheer weight of its insane logic - his blog is a feast of masala goodness, with great songs and intelligent commentary and tons and TONS of knowledge.

Amrita's IndieQuill as Naseeruddin Shah. Like Naseer, very high-quality and consistent, politically aware, socially aware, always marching to her own beat and never giving into the Man, man! Like Naseer, Amrita's posts pop up with not enough frequency! We want more, more, more!

Along the same lines, Jabberwock as Om Puri. Another "Parallel" blog powerhouse - providing great insight into... well, everything. Om Puri has been in some of our favorite films - My Son the Fanatic - and Jabberwock has written some of our favorite posts - the sex lives of the gods!

And finally... Amitabh Bachchan as... well, Amitabh Bachchan. Yes, a DOUBLE ROLE! Memsaab is Amitabh in Bollywood blogging spirit, but Amitabh is Amitabh in sheer "he actually really is Amitabh Bachchan"-ness. Like Amitabh Bachchan, Amitabh Bachchan always gives an earnest, likable take on things, whether it's those nagging filmi journalists or his legions of loyal (some would say, frenzying) fans, and - even though we don't give him or his blog the same devotional ("We're not worthy!") spirit as we do to Shashi Kapoor or Anil Kapoor, we must admit that we do actually read it regularly and love it always.

Pimpin' and pluggin'

In our jodi bonanza post, we forgot to mention a very special jodi:

The Jodi of the Internets!
Filmi Girl and podcasts

There is a dearth of fun filmi podcasts in this vast sea of Internets on which we sail - apart from Learn Hindi from Bollywood Movies, that was about it. So we are absolutely thrilled that Filmi Girl has taken up the banner with her excellent newborn podcast. Go, Filmi Girl, go!

The PPCC: not dead

Our usual activity.

Poor PPCC readers.

Spoiled as you were by a super-PPCC renowned for its ability to update several times a week, you now find yourselves in the desert of PPCCness. "Where the hell is the next review? We've been sitting on that Dune review for AGES!" you might cry (we hope).

Well! PPCC reader, don't be alarmed! We are here to bring you the

FAQs of ABSENCE

or, also known as, the

FAQS of AN UNDEAD BLOG

1. Is the PPCC dead?

No! (Huzzah!)

2. Well, where are you guys?

First, we were in the middle of nowhere. Then, our internet died. Lastly, our creativity was sapped by some of our other projects. The PPCC has promised itself that it will get paid for some of its writing. And lo! After much sweat and tears, we have succeeded in our goal! Now, the PPCC has promised itself that it will get paid again for some of its writing. And lo! The ax grinds...

What does this all mean, poor PPCC readers? It means that, when we admit defeat/get tired of our side-project, we will return with our usual active posting style. (Also, the Unspeakable has happened and we have exhausted our local Shashi supply. Time to go global! There are still over a 100 Shashis to watch!)

3. What the hell? I want movie reviews NOW.

And you're right to want that! This is a culture of NOW, and the NOW is also good for you, spiritually speaking.

So what will the PPCC do? The PPCC will guarantee that someday soon(-ish), it will deliver a few reviews.

4. Yeah, like what?

Like:

• Roshan Seth playing Nehru (again!) in a BBC docudrama!
  
• Shashi, Rekha and Pran cavorting among the palm trees of Kerala sans subtitles!
  
• This freaky sci-fi miniseries where Sam Neill keeps seeing Sam Neill in the window (because he's been sucked into a whirling vortex of paradox)!
  
• Jeff Buckley, in concert, in Chicago, in 1995, in amazingness glory!

5. What can I read in the meantime?

Well, don't think the PPCC is so cheap as to not have a waiting room! Firstly, you may consult our LINKS list on the right-hand side of the screen. Secondly, you can follow the PPCC steps and enrage yourself at Arts & Letters Daily (bastards! philistines!), inspire yourself at Boing Boing, entertain yourself at Strange Horizons, and purify yourself at Beliefnet (Belief-o-Matic highly recommended for much fun and jocularity!).

See you soon, faithful readers!

News flash!

The wonderful Roshan Seth, in admirably grumpy style, lays the smackdown on the Hindi film industry.

Points of note:

• Roshan didn't like Rang de Basanti or Mangal Pandey (ha ha! Roshan ji, we should hang out) or Black (we seriously should. Seriously.).
  
• But Roshan was offered the role of Zaara's father in Veer Zaara and he turned it down because Yash Chopra didn't have a script to show him. Roshan ji. It's Yash Chopra. For the love of all that is masala, it couldn't have been so terrible (and indeed, it was fabulous!). Get yourself out there, man!
  
• We also liked the irony of having a Guru clip follow his ranting against Mani Ratnam. (Which, once again, it's freaking Mani Ratnam, things aren't quite so bad!)

Anyway, sigh. Roshan Seth. He's so great.

Why do we love Roshan Seth?

• He was the first Indian actor we ever crushed on like MAJORLY, thanks to his role in Gandhi.
  
• His big soulful eyes.
  
• His penchant for postcolonial roles.
  
• His penchant for looking distant and thoughtful in postcolonial roles.
  
• Did we mention his big soulful eyes?
  
• Also his cheekbones.

Also in the news: Very exciting!

After watching our noble blog companions get written up in The Times of India, and after much jealous woeing and sighing and anxious anticipation on our part, we have finally hit the big time. Yay! Fish sticks for everyone!

We now return you to our regularly scheduled PPCC programming.

Democracy kind of failed. Back to tyrrany.

Thank you all very much for voting. The poll has now closed, and, after 49 votes, the results are:

1. Karz
2. Bluffmaster (Shammi's)
3. Mard
4. Doosra Aadmi & Tridev
5. The Householder
6. Guru
7. Anari, some other 60s Shammi one, the random Vinod/Randhir one, Sindoor, and some Pedro Almodovar

So yesterday, the PPCC sat down, all pleased with itself, to watch Karz. No subtitles. Curses! How embarrassing! The PPCC, however, did not despair (yet). We put in Bluffmaster. No subtitles. Curses again! We put in the other 60s Shammi one. No subtitles. Aaaargh.

Which means we'll be watching...

MAAARRRRDDDDD!!!
...in the meantime. Since so many of you were keen on Karz and Shammi, though, we'll pay a visit to Grumpy Uncle Ji or possibly Other Uncle Ji and see about scrounging them out, with subs. Or else we'll just watch them without subs, and you'll have to suffer through a review that's like, "Uhh... Rishi asks what happened, and then says a bunch of other stuff."

We know. We know. We know what you're thinking. Get it together, PPCC!

We also completely forgot to list about a handful of other unwatched movies in the original poll:

1. Vijeta. 80s. (FINALLY!) Shashi, Rekha, Shashi's son. Govind Nihalani directed. Parallel Cinema, military, our most recent Holy Grail of Shashi films.
2. Kranti. 70s. Manoj, Shatrughan, Shashi, Hema, British oppression, craziness.
3. Pyaasa. 50s. Guru Dutt. We forgot Guru Dutt.
4. Sahib Biwi Aur Ghulam. 60s. Yes. We forgot two Guru Dutt films.
5. Asoka. 2000s. SRK, Buddhism, costume epic. What's not to love?

Sigh.

A completely unrelated note about filmi qawwalis

The PPCC loves Sufism, big time. And the PPCC loves qawwalis, bigger time. So inspiring! So devotional! Who wouldn't feel filled with transcendental awe of the divine after listening to Faiz Ali Faiz's most excellent Dam Mast Qalandar?

Anyway, if you've watched Hindi films, you'll know that qawwalis show up fairly regularly - sometimes presented as fun parodies (such as the acrobatic Parda Hai Parda from Amar Akbar Anthony, or the hilariously over-the-top Tumse Milke Dil Ka Jo Haal from Main Hoon Na), sometimes presented a little more earnestly (such as Khwaja Mere Khwaja from Jodhaa-Akbar), and sometimes as inventive variations on the original (Chaiyya Chaiyya from Dil Se really takes the cake for that). Man, it's all good.

But this article at allmusic doesn't seem to think so, and spends a lot of time disparaging filmi qawwalis: they are "bland", "garish", and they "strayed ever closer to disrespect for the music's origins". Oh my! The problem with the article is that it spends so much time disparaging filmi qawwalis, and not nearly enough time explaining what exactly is so wrong with them. Sure, "a low-budget parody of a Las Vegas chorus line" is an easy target for ridicule and certainly doesn't inspire sublime devotion... but we at the PPCC can't help thinking the article comes across as just snobbish. Man, and filmi stuff already gets trash-talked by the Western intelligentsia enough!

What we'd like to read instead is a more in-depth analysis of filmi qawwalis. What do real live qawwals think about them? Rahat Fateh Ali Khan, nephew of the legendary Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, doesn't seem to have a problem with filmi qawwalis, as he sings a lot of them (e.g. the haunting Naina from Omkara)! What do lay Muslims think about them? We at the PPCC would think that filmi qawwalis are a positive force, in that they are a fairly standardized way of asserting minority Muslim culture in Hindi films. Everyone loves a good qawwali!

Anyway, thoughts? Feelings?

Democracy rules!

Inspired by the bit in Ghungroo where the plebeian masses knock down the doors of the gilded mahal, the PPCC has decided to fling open its doors to you, YOU, dear readers. Yes, we are temporarily going democratic, mostly because we have a pile of unwatched movies, and we often sit in front of it, fidgeting slightly and wringing our hands. Oh, indecision! Oh, torturous indecision! We don't know what to watch. We just don't know!

So we've decided to try for an experiment in democracy. We tell you the names on the pile, and you tell us what to review next.

Here are the options:

1. Karz. 80s. Rishi Kapoor. Featuring the titular song and much of the inspiration for Om Shanti Om.
2. Anari. 50s. Raj Kapoor. Want yet more thoughtful, quiet Raj? Us too!
3. Doosra Aadmi. 70s. Rishi, Shashi and Neetu, at it again.
4. The Householder. 60s. Very young Shashi, in a Merchant-Ivory fare.
5. Rahu Ketu. 70s. Shashi and Rekha play second bananas to the awesomeness that is Pran.
6. Do Musafir. 70s. Shashi and Rekha and Pran, at it again. This looks charmingly rural.
7. Bluffmaster 60s. Shammi. We still haven't seen a properly Shammi movie (Parvarish doesn't count). Added bonus: black and white Manmohan Desai!
8. Some other 60s Shammi one.
9. Vinod/Randhir #1. OK, so we were sort of desperate when we bought these.
10. Vinod/Randhir #2.
11. Mard. 80s. Amitabh. Manmohan Desai. Some really crazy shit goes down, apparently.
12. Ganga ki Saugand. 70s. Amitabh, Rekha, Pran, Amjad Khan. Also charmingly rural. Stuff happens in Benares.
13. Anhonee. 50s. Raj Kapoor. Really low-fi, black and white.
14. Guru. 2006ish. Abhishek, Aishwarya. Mani Ratnam directs, Roshan Seth makes a long-overdue comeback.
15. Jaaydaad. 80s. Shashi being a non-hero, lawyer type.
16. Sindoor. 80s. Aging Shashi in one of his last romantic hero roles.
17. Tridev. 80s. Sunny Deol, Jackie Shroff, Naseeruddin Shah, Amrish Puri and lots of 80s fun. Music is fab. Features the fabulous Tirchi Topiwale song.
18. Hum Paanch. 80s. Naseeruddin Shah, Raj Babbar. Parallel cinema. Update of Mahabharata or possibly Ramayana.
19. Nastik. 50s. Ajit. Atheist movie, reviewed by Memsaab, looks fab.

Or, if you're tired of Hindi, we've got about five Pedro Almodovar movies on our hands as well as Dune (yeah!).

MOTHER OF GOD. Over 20 films?!

That's it. Film buying embargo until we get through at least 15 of these suckers. We are so ashamed. Oh, what you must think of us! Oh, shame.

We're going away in the mountains this weekend to purify our eyes of television monitor rays and our pores of city grime, and so we will leave the poll running 'til then. Feel free to vote as many times as you wish, and we will guarantee that we will watch and review whichever film wins the poll.

Aesthetician's delight, mmm...

The banner is dead! Long live the banner!

Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

So you wanna be a PPCC blog post?

You've read the reviews. You've voted in the Dance Offs. You're ready to be bitten by the bug. It's really happening. You're pumped. Now you are faced with the question: Where Do I Find That Movie?

While the PPCC itself uses an army of slave-robots, programmed to trawl through the world's DVD stores, this is a fairly expensive and hazardous method. Robot parts are scarce. Robots can break down in remote locations, far from the nearest highway. Robots can disobey you. Robots can have horrible taste in movies. They are also, like Hummers, not very eco-friendly.



So here is the PPCC's Robot-Free Guide to Buying Indian Movies when Not in India.

1. Your local Indian shop

The PPCC is blessed to live in a country with a large Desi community, so we have a number of local suppliers. There's Uncle. Then there's Other Uncle. Then there's Grumpy Uncle. Then there's Helpful Uncle. And finally there's Krishna. Anyway, all of our local suppliers are wonderful - they recommend titles, they sometimes give you discounts if you buy more than two or three movies, and, if they're nice, they'll even check the subtitles for you beforehand. All of them are always pleasantly surprised to see a silly gori asking for some hard-to-find Shashi Kapoor title, and usually they get excited too and start recommending their favorites or offering to bring their copy from home so that you can at least borrow it.

Even though this might be an expensive option at times - once, in a Desi shop in the USA, we were asked to shell out $20 for Dil To Pagal Hai! Ha, whatever! - there really is a lot to be said for seeing the colorful covers, for touching the movies, for smelling them. OK, this sounds perverted, but there's a living and breathing excitement in shopping for movies in person. Some of our best catches - Aa Gale Lag Jaa, Umrao Jaan, Kasme Vaade - we picked up blindly in the local Indian store, deciding, "Well, what the hell?" We just liked the look and feel and weight of it, and it turned out we liked what was inside too!



1a. Your foreign Indian supply shop.

Never miss the opportunity to buy DVDs while travelling. Some places are notorious - Jackson Heights, a suburb of NYC; Southall, a suburb of London; that one area in Chicago - and you can shop for DVDs with the added bonus of a new, big, fun Desi neighborhood to do it in. Also, don't forget that several regions in the world are very Bollywoodified from top to bottom: Africa, the Middle East, Asia (well, duh), the Pacific. This sort of Indian DVD Tourism is an adventure in itself. For example, once the PPCC purchased a copy of Asoka in Morocco. Unfortunately, it has Arabic subtitles only. Well, what can you do.



1b. Your local library

This is more relevant if you live in a super-Desi area somewhere in England. But all libraries have DVD collections nowadays, and many of our earliest finds were in the local library's Hindi DVD collection. Sometimes they sell off their older titles for cheap cheap.


2. The world wide internet

The power and cruelty of the Internet cannot be denied, even our robots are subject to it. If you're keen to see a movie, especially after reading the PPCC review of it, you can first check YouTube and MusicIndiaOnline for some song selections. Then you can probably find someone somewhere in the world who is selling it and will ship it to you. Here are some of our usual sources:



2a. Nehaflix

Good for almost everything. They sell 'em cheap, they sell 'em plentiful. They are very reliable, shipping fast, and every couple months they offer shipping waivers. Their prices are fab too - you can find usually some great titles for US$6. If you live in the USA, especially if you're in the bush and far from any Indian shops, they will soon become your primary supplier. (Also useful for other things like Filmfare magazine, soundtracks, Hindu mythology comic books, and Bollywood dancercize videos. One-stop shopping for all needs!)

2b. Amazon.co.uk

A smaller selection, but you'll be amazed by the prices you can find on their Marketplace: Junoon for a quid! It's always worth checking it out, since chances are you'll be able to find something for really cheap, cheaper than the local store. Unfortunately, the American Amazon is a pain in this regard - much more expensive, much less selection. So, if you're in the USA, see 2a and don't even bother with Amazon. But if you're in the UK or Europe, 2b is very worth considering.

2c. India Weekly

If we can't find it on Nehaflix, we usually hit India Weekly next. Cheap prices, big sales, very good selection. Their shipping, though, very slow. Like cold honey through a sieve slow.

2d. Jaman

Small but eclectic and interesting selection. If you just can't freaking wait and must have your Hindi movie NOW (and you live in the USA), this is a good option. Also good for non-Hindi needs.

2e. Eros Entertainment's official DVD store

In theory, they should have, like, anything ever made in Bollywood ever. We've found some very esoteric stuff there - Shashi and Smita?! - but their website is a pain and their shipping rates likewise blow. There's a pay-to-download option, useful if you do NOT need subtitles. We do, and so we've never used it.

2f. BitTorrent

For however you stand on copyright issues, it does exist as an option. And there are websites dedicated solely Hindi movie torrents. Consider that movies are usually 700 MB if one big video file, or 3 or 4 GB if it's a DVD rip. Also consider that subtitles and movies can sometimes come as separate files; so, if you realize you just downloaded a Hindi movie without subs, you can probably find the subtitle file seperately.


3. Friends and Acquaintances

Ah, the most rewarding way to learn about movies. Once you make your Hindi movie love known, you'll be surprised how many people come out of the woodwork: work colleagues who suddenly reveal themselves to be obsessed with Sholay, friends of friends who've actually been crushing on SRK for years, and so forth. It's always worth announcing to anyone who looks remotely like they could have Indian ancestry that you have a thing for Hindi films - the PPCC certainly does. At worst, they'll roll their eyes and say they never watch tacky Bollywood movies. OK, at worst worst, they'll be annoyed by your racial stereotyping. But, at best, you'll find someone to gush over Manmohan Desai films with! And what more do you need in life?!

Another common way that the PPCC obtains movies is by asking friends who are travelling to engage in a bit of 1a (Hindi Movie Shopping Tourism), especially if they're going to a known Desi zone. With some friends, you can just say, "Oh, get me something with Vinod Khanna." With others, you can order from an online retailer and mail to their home. And still with others, you may have to be quite specific, explaining the store's location, the title, the look of the movie, and so forth.

Common etiquette dictates that - unless you friend is also your parent or Bill Gates - you should pay them back, however the PPCC has gotten away with Bollywood for Food deals as well.




How much should you pay?

Never, EVER more than US$20, unless you expect to find crack inside the movie as well. The PPCC considers a fair price to be US$6 - US$10. Anything less and you're probably buying something illegal and therefore you'll feel guilty and the producers won't realize the great resurgance Shashi is having in sales. Anything more and, as we said, it better be freaking amazing and actually include a life-sized Dharmendra inside.


What to expect?

1. English subs.
2. A series of ads before the movie with either techno music or elevator muzak accompanying rolling shots of past Bollywood hits provided by the same supplier (Shemaroo, SkyTV, Eros Entertainment). This is a good way to see if anything else appeals, as presented in 30 seconds. For example, we bought Teesri Kasam after hearing a 30-second snippet of Duniya Bananewale on our Aa Gale Lag Jaa DVD.
3. The religious bit. Our favorite religious bit is the psychadelic Ganesh in the beginning of Shemaroo's Aa Gale Lag Jaa.
4. The censor blurb, assuring us it's not porn or a snuff film.
5. The movie. Heaven!


PPCC, I am incompetent and/or live in a hole in the center of the Earth and/or live in a hole in the center of the moon, and am therefore incapable of accessing Hindi movies. What can I do?!!

Do not despair, the PPCC has noticed that there are several means of achieving Hindi movie-like joy without actually watching a Hindi movie.

1. Read the PPCC. It's like you'll be there, watching it with us!
2. Eat a laddoo. Whenever we eat laddoos, we feel like we've just taken a bite out of Likhe Jo Khat Tujhe.
3. Eat another laddoo. The effect is never as strong as the first bite, but you'll probably want another one anyway.
4. Hindi sikhna.
5. Buy Neon Bible by The Arcade Fire. What? It's really good.